Disclaimer: This is a semi-quick post, mainly because I need a listening ear and this blog seems to help me to process things (semi-) healthily.
I don’t know how to begin this post…
Let’s start at the beginning. Beginning of what, you may ask. The beginning of my feelings. The beginning of what I have (reluctantly) begun to describe as depression.
8 months ago my life drastically changed. I got married, I moved to a new state, I left all of my friends and family, and I was expected to start anew with a fresh outlook. It was such a huge change in addition to marriage, but I felt like it was something I could manage effectively. I was the self-proclaimed Queen of Change. It was refreshing to have a new home, new friends, and more family. It was such a beautiful experience to be able to live life with my favorite person and be able to learn and grow. I was enjoying it all so much.
A few months in, though, a few events happening in my life began to affect me hard. The accumulation of stress began to take its toll on me. For a couple of months, I found myself sleeping a lot, I wasn’t interested in a lot of activities, I felt unhappy though I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was that bothered me the most. It wasn’t homesickness, it wasn’t any problems that I personally had, I just felt so sad. I have an awesome husband who was supportive of me and so helpful, but I was just… off.
It kind of embarrasses me to put this in writing on here, because many people deal with serious depression, and I know that my family and friends are probably reading this and saying Really, Rha? But I know my body and I know my emotions. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was dealing with a mild depression. I am a typically happy person, but it’s been hard to do even the things that I usually enjoy. Simple activities like texting my friends or spending time with my family have been difficult, not because I don’t love them, but because it tires me out. Going to Christian meetings and in the ministry is difficult sometimes too, mainly because I feel like not many people understand how I feel.
That’s been one of my main issues: me feeling like not many people understand how I feel. I smile, I talk to other people like normal, I try to help others with their issues, I go to work, etc. I look normal, and my friends and family usually only see the best version of Me. But inside sometimes I am crying. It’s been hard. My family and friends mostly don’t know how I feel or don’t understand, so it can be very lonely.
Fast-forward to today.
I am in New Orleans sitting in my old room as I write this. Justin and I had to drop everything Sunday afternoon to rush here for a family emergency. My dad is not doing well and it scares me. I love him so much, but he is not himself. Many things have led us to this situation, but now that I am here I literally just feel like shutting down. I feel like crying and screaming and pushing people away, yet I can’t. I am here with my family trying my best to be helpful and positive, though it’s difficult. Life is just hitting my family hard. Very hard.
Right before we had to come here I was touched by a scripture that is really helping me right now.
“May you be strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may endure fully with patience and joy.” -Colossians 1:11
I keep thinking about those words throughout the day and praying to God that I will be able to endure fully with patience and joy. That’s all I want to do. I am so happy to have so many people surrounding me to keep me semi-calm, but most of all I have the best Support ever, my God. I’ll get through this. Just wanted to update you guys in the most real way I could.